Since I’ve returned home to Arkansas a few weeks ago with the onset of a new calendar year, I’m definitely keeping in mind of creating some new year
resolutions habits. It means that I need to make room for the new changes by getting rid some old ones.
Already I’m feeling the effects of changes and progresses being made.
I’m relieved and feeling lighter on my shoulders and chest when I wrote and published my first article on elephant journal, where I’m currently an interning editor.
I’m going through something called “Anxiety Withdrawal”—a term I came up with myself. By being able to observe and not identify with my thoughts consistently, I find this initial expansion of space in my mind a bit scary and very exhausting at this very moment, because I never had experienced this before and my mind does not like any unfamiliar thoughts or sensations and wanted to make sense of it (and everything!) My body is feeling tired a lot more these days as a result of finding release and perhaps no longer holding on to the anxiety. Such physical state of is different from the “tiredness” or physical exhaustion that I was used to, when my anxiety always kept me in such “fight or flight” mode; my body never learned to relax and was in chronic elevated tension. Even though my body seems to move slower, my mind feels a bit more spacey, I’m sleeping better and more soundly, averaging at least 8 hours with m’beau next to me. And I still wanted to sleep and rest more… Oh how wonderful is such a feeling… I’m not complaining.
The exercise that I’m doing every night before going to sleep keeps me honest and committed to what I wanted from all of these habit changes:
to truly live, have freedom from my conscious mind chatters, and most importantly, to trust myself.
Like walking on an uncharted territory, it’s both exciting and scary. But I welcome it and want to embrace it even more.